Can We Talk about Sweatpants for a Minute?

Many of you are moms, and very, very busy, and some of you are diligent and actually go the gym (nice!). I do understand that it is sometimes necessary to don some sort of "comfy pants" to venture outside of your house-- perhaps in an emergency; or if you are genuinely on your way to or from some sort of athletic activity. One of the fashion faux pas (how do you pluralize that?) sweeping the nation (I hope it is not happening in other countries too!) over the past five years or perhaps more is the acceptability of pajama pants and sweats in public. Really, honestly, unless one is literally making a mad dash to the store or has terribly sick babies or (as mentioned) is going immediately to exercise, one oughtn't be wearing that sort of thing out. Penguins and duck and bunny jammies are for the eyes of people who already love you. Pajamas are for sleeping and lounging, not walking about town or going to class. And goddess forbid you have any sort of words emblazoned across your arse; even a school name is wretched but "Bootylicious" or "Sweet" or "Apple Bottom" across your tuckus will make it a) look wider b) look trashy c) look dumpy, or flat, because sweatpants are not doing you any favors unless you have that bubble butt. I am sorry to be harsh, but someone had to say it.

Even this model doesn't look particularly good with something (don't ask what) written across it.

Yoga pants are slightly better than those god-awful capri-legging and ankle-elastic ones people are bafflingly bringing back into vogue... Not being one to worship runway fashion, I think there's been quite enough eighties revival already, and I could do without them deifying the weird kid in third grade, who wouldn't wear a coat and whose tube socks were always showing beneath the too-short elastic ankles of his sweatpants while he ate strawberry-flavored air for lunch.

This poor booty wants to look sexy but its owner is having none of that :(

Even if they are showing on the runways and in magazines, do reconsider sweatpants and stretch pants-- they can make almost any girl look fat, and certainly every girl look worse than they could in a structured dark jean or a pinstriped trouser. If pants with a waistband that doesn't give are your big issue because you just had a kid or you've gained a bit, for the love of all that's holy, get your mind off the number and buy a flattering pair that fits even if you have to go up a few sizes and/or have something tailored so it fits your biggest bits but nips in around your small ones. Forget the size. Examine how it makes your body look. Find someone to be objective if you cannot be. You will feel so much better about yourself if you see how beautiful you can be with three seconds more effort (like a button); and a non-stretchy waistband is helpful for reminding you when to stop stuffing handfuls of kettle corn down your gullet (for example).

These girls will never, ever have more bangin' bodies than they do now, in college. And they're wasting it all!

Some of you will dislike my vehemence on this subject, as I banish your favorite comfortable clothes to the same hell reserved for Crocs,Uggs, and Leggings Used as Pants without a Tunic (very similar to the sweatpant situation but even worse because everyone sees EVERYTHING, girl.) Sorry about that. But don't you want your booty to look the best it can?